i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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