It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
