Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
