my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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