Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
