Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
