god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Who died my cat blue again?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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