so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
