I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
