I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
