I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
