Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My dick has a subreddit
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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