I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
