If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
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