sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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