so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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