Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
we're so committed to being not committed
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
