So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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