FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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