shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
