my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
