dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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