someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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