i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
