When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
