i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
