My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
