First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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