Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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