I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
