Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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