I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
