she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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