I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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