On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
