My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
