R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm drive I can fine osifer
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
