yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
