don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
