Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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