so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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