It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
