I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
