Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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