I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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