Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
