So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
