It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
