no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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