I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
