im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
